The Foster Diaries - Stef Foster
by fadedink26
Summary: This will be dedicated to journal entries for Stef Foster.
1. Entry 1 - I caved

Fandom: The Fosters

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Stef/Lena

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to ABC Family and the show 'The Fosters'. What I write in no way reflects the story-lines coming on air and is only the musings of a fan.

Summary: It will be journal entries from Stef Foster.

I know I messed up … I know I hurt her and though I've said I'm sorry and I really mean it. I also know it's not enough. It can't be enough. I saw the look in her eyes; there was hurt, anger and frustration. I humiliated her, unintentionally took Mike's side. How do I fix that?

The worst part is, deep down I do agree with Mike, Brandon should have been punished. But I had deferred to Lena's wisdom and now looking back. If I agreed to a decision, then it becomes my decision and I should have defended it to Mike. Instead I caved.

Why did I cave?

The truth, I feel guilty when it comes to Mike. I handled our marriage and subsequent divorce badly and it doesn't help that I met Lena while still with Mike, which created another mountain of problems. So now I overcompensate when it comes to him. I try to make up for the years of hurt I caused him, by not taking a stand when he makes fun of Lena and calling her names like "Hippy Dippy" and belittles her PHD or when he makes snide comments like calling our children "strays".

Is keeping the peace with Mike worth it at the expense of my family?

So far it's only left me in the cold. The cold unwelcoming domain that is the bed I share with my wife.

Last night there was no whisper of goodnight .. no goodnight kiss .. no cuddles.

Nada. Nothing.

All I got was her back and a mass of black curls separated by oceans of sheets and throw pillows. I shouldn't have agreed on a queen size bed, she wouldn't be able to sleep so far away if we had gotten the double. I wanted to reach for her but guilt and the fear of rejection held me captive on my side of the bed.

Maybe men had the right idea when they purchased flowers and jewelry. It doesn't solve the problem but it certainly helped with distraction and I could use some of that right now to cut the tension between us. She agreed we were okay for now, but she's barely said two words to me. She knows twice as many words as I do. How can she be so silent?

Sighs.

The sun is almost up maybe today will be better ...


	2. Entry 2 - Baby Steps

Diary Entry – Stef (Thursday)

The distraction I needed came today in the form of Callie being accused of selling Jesus pills. The midday call from Lena was clipped and thirst but it was just what I needed to create a bridge between us.

She needed me.

If we had to parent together it meant she had to listen to me, look at me, be in the same room as me, she had to communicate.

I could deal with fiery remarks about calling Mike for help. That meant she had moved away from anger and maybe onto the road to forgiveness. I can even deal with not knowing what had gone on in the conversation between her and Mike. All and all this was good news for me.

Mike also decided he wanted a more active role in Brandon's life. For Brandon I'm happy about this. He needs his father, but it puts me in a difficult position when it comes to navigating my life with Lena. If last night was any indication, clearly I didn't know how to do this well. It had taken me so long to get to this life with Lena. I had made Lena wait for so long that now I couldn't afford to mess it up.

There would be challenges of course; everyday was going to be a careful act of balancing competing needs. How to include Mike, How not to exclude Lena, How to be on the same page at all times so that Brandon had a unified set of authority figures.

How did the tricycle do it? One front wheel, two back wheels. I had to be the front wheel.

Sighs.

Last night as we laid again backs facing in the stillness of our bedroom, I finally got the courage to reach back and touch her, hoping and praying she'd reach back. It took her a moment, but it felt like hours to my pounding heart. I can't begin to tell you the weight that was lifted from my heart when her palm touched mine and she squeezed my hand.

But that's all she did.

She didn't say anything, she didn't turn around and she certainly didn't move into my arms. Therefore she may not be angry anymore but she hadn't moved past the hurt and she certainly hadn't forgiven me.

But baby steps. I guess.


	3. Entry 3 - Blind-sided

Mike blind-sided me this week by asking Brandon to move in with him. The nerve of him! He talks about wanting to be included more in decisions that have to do with Brandon, and then he turns around and does this behind our backs! Why am I trying to be more inclusive where he is concerned, if he's going to pull crap like this? Even though I understand him wanting to spend more time with Brandon, this was not the way to do it. If he does this again I'm going to bury him!

That aside, this is the second time in a matter of days that Brandon has been disrespectful to one of us … his parents. What is this child's problem? His mouth has zero censorship and as mad as I am at him for what he said, his words resonate with me. It brought me back to an agonizing past. Figuring out I was gay, admitting it to loved ones and leaving my marriage was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do … liberating but painful.

Looking back, Brandon was the only thing I got right in that marriage, the one thing I can still hold on to, to prove to myself that I hadn't completely failed at my marriage. His wanting a choice to choose between me and Mike makes me feeling as if I'm failing as his mom. Like him living with me was just until he was old enough make a better choice.

It's irrational … I know but I'm still haunted by the difficult choices I had to make then. Telling Mike, who undoubtedly loved me that I could not love him the way a wife was suppose to, was heartbreaking. Dragging a five year old through a divorce was not my first choice. It seems no matter how hard I try, I can't get on that road to personal forgiveness because my family is still feeling the ripple effects of my choices and for that I can't forgive myself. I need my son, Brandon provides that bridge between the life I failed at and the life I'm trying everyday to be good at. He's that constant reminder that something good, perfect and untainted came from my years of self denial. Not only that he's always been there, for me, Lena, his younger siblings and his wanting a choice to leaving feels like he's abandoning us just when we need him the most.

Lena has been a voice of reason though. Thank heavens we are back on good terms. I can't get through this without my wife. She's this gentle force that always seems to point me in the right direction. Whether it's with a knowing look, an offered cheek or some stern words. Lena knows just what to do, to make me see reason and she's right. Brandon is older, he's becoming a young man and he should have some choice in matters that affect his life. No matter how much I want to pretend he's still that newborn infant that I vowed to protect with my life. So I wait …I wait for a 16 year old to make a choice that will ultimately break one of his parents hearts.

Balanced the cheque book and did our expenses this week. Lets just say; the finances are going to be tight the next couple of months. I wonder how many days of "Brown bagging" and cereal breakfast before the kids realize that we are cutting back? Then there is Marianna Quinceanera. I shudder to think how much that will cost.


	4. Entry 4 - Cost & Culture

Let's just say the cost of our daughter's Quinceanera was just shy of costing me a kidney. No matter how much I pleaded, I could not get Lena to rein in the cost, but between you and me, I think we were paying for much more than a party. We were also paying for Lena's lost childhood identity.

I can't say I fully understand the exact reason for the tension between Lena and Dana, but I do get the subtle hints like when Dana complains that Lena looks too pale, or her hair is much easier to comb. On the surface it looks like ordinary meaningless comments, but the way my wife bristles and clams up, tells me its not. I try to create a bridge by reminding Lena how beautiful she is and that she never has to feel isolated because she belongs with me and our family but I know it's not enough. The issues with her mom run deep and they are much than just mother daughter issues they are racial and cultural in nature.

Dana also made her cry at the party. I hate seeing my wife cry, because she doesn't very often and when she does it's really seriously and usually something I can't fix easily. Cliché lines may get her smiling now, but I know it doesn't help the lost little girl in Lena that's longing to be accepted by her mother and for Dana to see her as a black woman. Every little girl wants to be accepted by their mother. Why doesn't Dana get that?

The oddest thing also happened at the party; Mike gave us money to help out with the party cost. I didn't want to accept, but he insisted. Unless its child support for Brandon, I don't want any financial help from him. Why? It's weird! I already have to deal with him when it comes to Brandon and work, I don't want him any more involved in my life, especially when it comes to Lena and my children. Its bad enough I have to deal with weirdly inappropriate comments from him like "That Lena's one lucky lady …" Sighs.

I also saw him drinking … I remember those days … but today he looked sad, drinking away his sorrows I suppose. Its hard knowing that in order to claim my happiness I had to deny him his.

I knowingly and purposely cost him his happiness when I told him I was gay. Sighs.

It was also hard to ask him to do the father daughter dance. Sighs … I love our daughter and deep down I know she's proud of having two moms. I just …I'm all for rolling with the punches, but it's okay to admit that it hurts a little right? I wanted to share that dance with her. I understand though, there is nothing worst than feeling different at age 15 and wanting so much to be normal... to be just like everyone else. So if for her party she wants to dance with Mike and not break anymore Quince traditions. I'll grin and bear it, cause that's what good moms do. She did redeem herself in the end though. Marianna apologized for not dancing with us and it's the first time I've really seen her own up to a decision she made and accepted that it was the wrong choice to make. Age 15 really is a turning point; she grew in my eyes today and as her mom, I'm very proud of her. I also got my dance in the end :)

I have a feeling my conversation with Brandon about Callie may fall on deaf ears. Teenagers never do what you tell them, and he's become a little defiant of late. I'll have to keep an eye on those two.

Final thought for the night – My wife looked amazing in her white tux inspired ensemble. How did I get so lucky?


End file.
